Baby Steps Are Still Steps Forward, Right?


Dear Diary,

Did you see all those flowers? And candy and a candle and a teddy bear? These came rolling into my hotel room last week after the big "Antonio cheated on me" Diary entry. Can I just tell you that I have the best support system in the world. How did I get so lucky? Thank you to Billy, Laurie, Laurie, Lee, Manny, Jason, the Fitch family, Margaret, Marie, Linda for the the beautiful arrangements and candy. The poor people at the front desk probably thought that someone died up in here. It looks like a pop up florist shop in my hotel room. You know what? I told the people at the front desk what happened when I took the trash bag full of his stuff down to them so he could pick it up. Yah, they know what's up.

Thank you to Erik for being my big brother who wants to beat someone up. Thanks to my mom, sis, Stace, Maggie, Gina, Susan, Jen, Lisa, Tommy, LaDonna, MK, Paola, Tori, my sweetest of boys Charlie and of course, Evan for texting me countless times asking how I'm doing. I love you all so much.

So, how am I doing? Just Ok. This weekend was hard because Evan had prom and I had nothing to do Saturday night. I was lonely. I was sad. I missed him. I was pissed at him for ruining everything. ugh. Sunday was the day we talked.

I pulled up in the driveway and there he was peering over the fence. I rolled my eyes when I saw his face. He came up to the car and helped me with some bag of laundry I had in the car.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Is all we said. I put my stuff away and went to the patio chair. He sat at his makeshift bar. I started to speak and he slid his finger across his throat like "Shhhh not here." True. Our neighbors on both sides are very close to us so they'd no doubt hear everything. I don't have a couch or chair inside the house because all that's packed away, so we went to my bedroom, against my better judgement, and sat on my big bed three feet apart.

I started with "This is how it's going to go down. We are no longer a couple. You broke trust and that cannot be repaired. You also didn't even attempt to call me or text me all week. Your disrespectful actions ruined this whole thing and I'm mad. You're going to have to move out, too. I'll give you til the end of July."

That's how it started...good, right?

Somehow, when I left, I had agreed to let him stay thru August and I agreed to let him keep his junk in my garage for $100 a month so he didn't have to find a storage unit. We also hugged it out. He wanted to do more but at least I had the gumption to say no to that. But, what happened? Why did I find a soft spot in my heart for him? I am so very confused by it all.

I told Evan what happened and she said "Mom, that is insane. He has to go. What are you thinking?"

What am I thinking? Now I'm not even setting a good example for my daughter. With the help of a therapist on tonight's Laura Cain After Dark podcast and Erik and Linda, I have the guts and the confidence to tell him to pack everything up and leave asap. I will somehow find that extra $700 he was providing for rent. Somehow. I have always landed on my feet, so why would this circumstance be any different?

I still felt love for him, though. That just doesn't go away. He mentioned that down the road maybe we can go to San Felipe again. That just about broke me because we had the best times together there. I wanted them back. I wanted him back, but I know better and that's what makes me so mad. Why did he have to ruin this? I feel like I am talking in circles. At least I may go see that therapist now, so that's good.

On another note, Evan had her last performance as a Junior on Saturday night. She was outstanding. It's such a joy watching her blossom into such a talented actor. Here is a still shot of one of the most dramatic scenes.

She's in the process of writing her college essay now. She came up with a brilliant idea for it, too. That's half the battle of that thing that I struggled with so much. Her 17th birthday is next Friday. I have some fun things planned. We will still be here at the hotel but that's ok because we love it here! God, my dad and my angels are watching over me so well. I mean, I can't imagine not having this space to sort out my feelings and stuff.

Here are some sayings that are helping me thru this thing.

I included a link to my podcast at the end of this so you can listen to the awesome therapist. This episode drops tonight around 4pm.

That's all I got, Diary. See you later.


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