Why Am I Torturing Myself With Dating Apps?

Before I tell you about my three weird and downright rude experiences, let me tell you what almost every single guy posts for his pictures on Bumble.

A. Holding a fish

B. Gym selfie

C. Bathroom selfie

D. Pictures with other woman with their faces blurred out

E. With a surfboard.

All single men apparently love to surf, cook and workout. They love food and hiking. They call themselves outdoorsy with a quick wit and a hilarious personality. Any guy who says he's witty and funny...ISN'T...I've learned.

The first date I went on was going great. Nice conversation, nice looking older guy. We met at Starbucks down the street from work at 715pm. By 8:15 I had spilled that I was in rehab, that I was once on a 5150 Psychiatric Hold and that I did bad things in a Walmart parking lot. All of a sudden, the guy gets up, looks at his watch and says "Oh man, I've got to go! I've been up since 5am."

I respond, "Ok that's cool. I've been up since 4am so..."

...Careful, I'm going to say some bad words here ;-)

Then he says "Oh what are we doing now, comparing dick sizes now?" Whoa!!! That hit me the wrong way. I said "Yes, and as a matter of fact if I had a dick it would be huge and so would my balls. Goodnight nice meeting you." We awkwardly hugged and went our separate ways. Next day he sends me this text:

That was two weeks ago. This week I had a long conversation with a guy on the actual website. He was a chef, younger guy, but I like that. He was super nice and then he asked me "Wait, you don't drink?" That's what it says on my profile thingy. I responded "Correct. I don't drink. 12 years sober."

Silence

Silence

I wrote "Is that a deal breaker?"

His reponse? "Kind of. I like to go to wineries and breweries a lot and I would feel awkward."

I was like WHOA OK! But at least the guy was honest.

Then we have the guy who I immediately clicked with. It was like I was addicted to him. We saw each other every day for the first two weeks. He is awesome and I really like him a lot, but he's 43. His mother apparently freaked out when she found out he was dating an older woman. She wants him to have babies. OMG! I died and cried a few tears.

Since then, we have seen each other a few times. It's not quite the same but I still like him. Here is a song that I love that reminded me of when we first met.

That's all for now, Diary. I will be back with more stories soon.

 
Laura Cain

Laura Cain

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