It's A Miracle That I'm Here


Dear Diary,

March 7th holds many good and bad memories for me. The good memories are all the sober birthdays I've celebrated with my kids, family, and friends. The bad memories are how it all went down this day in 2007.

It was early in the morning and I had just called in sick to work for the third day in a row. I was sick (detoxing from Vicodin and other substances.) I didn't realize it was the detoxing that I was feeling. My then-husband and I got into a horrible fight as he was headed to work. We screamed at each other and then I yelled the sentence that started it all "I'm just going to kill myself then!" Then, I ran and hid in my closet and called Stacey. While I was in there, unbeknownst to me, Dave had called the police, which is what you're supposed to do when someone makes a threat like that. I wasn't serious, but he didn't know that.

I jumped in the shower and before I know it, two police officers are in the bathroom dragging me out of the shower. They told me to get dressed and then they handcuffed me. We lived on a nice cul-de-sac back then so all of my neighbors witnessed me being taken away in handcuffs. Thank God Charlie was already at school and baby Evan was with the nanny.

They took me to County Mental Health, drug tested me, then gave me a sedative because I was scared and hysterical. They put me in a room with some other poor soul and there I slept on the blue plastic mattress for a few hours. When I woke up, I milled around outside the rooms in this main room we were locked in. They gave us PB and J sandwiches and then told us to go back to sleep. From there, I went to Mesa Vista Hospital as a 5150 hold. I was supposed to stay for 3 days but ended up on the Dual Diagnosis floor for 10 days. No beds were available on the chemical dependency floor. I stayed because I had been kicked out of my house and the bed at Hazelden, the rehab I went to, wasn't ready for me. Oh, gosh, I was so ready for rehab by that point. I had been screaming out in silence for the past year.

Hazelden was strict and hard. I was there for 30 Days when the counselor told me I needed more treatment. I broke down. I needed to see my kids so I chose a sober living close to San Diego in Newport Beach. It was called Sober Living By The Sea. I was there for two months. So many people I met in those institutions have lost their lives to this disease. Some others deserve a shout-out because I love them, I miss them and they deserve it...Megan, Kate, Jenny, Lisa, Jim, Camilla. I love you guys.

The two most instrumental people in the whole process of getting me well are Stacey and Tommy. Stacey flew with me to Oregon where she walked me into the rehab doors, She flew down to take me to SLBTS too. Her words of wisdom helped guide me through it all. And, Tommy...

Dang. The hard part of this whole thing was not the rehab, it was coming back home. I had nothing, no home, no husband, no bank account, and a lawyer breathing down my neck. Tommy let me sleep in his palatial master bedroom for 6 months while I continued my recovery. He slept on the couch. He helped me open a bank account, lent me hundreds of dollars, and pretty much made sure I had everything I needed. He's my hero.

Of course, I am grateful for my mom and sister who helped take care of my kids while I was gone. Their love and support are endless.

And, my kids. Those two faces are why I continue this sober journey. I would never want to see those hurt faces if I were to fall off the wagon. Those babies of mine have been nothing but cheerleaders and supporters of my sobriety. They relish in it. I'm so very grateful. Sure, I'm struggling with this and that, but I'm so grateful for what I do have, which is priceless.

This year, on my 15th, I'm going to make it to more meetings and really get into the program. I kind of fell away from it. Kind of? Like, I really have ignored the whole thing for almost a year and it must change or I am in danger. I am very excited about this meeting today. Can't wait to be with my sober peeps.

If it weren't for this being my sober birthday, today's Diary would be about these &*(%^*^$ gas prices, I'm so mad. But, let's focus on that next time.

See you later, Diary


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