I'm Just Coming Up For Air

Dear Diary,

I know, I know, I suck. I haven't written in a long time but for good reason. I've been mentally and physically drained of all my life force as of late. I'm going to try to be as vague as possible because I don't want to out anyone. Just suffice it to say that someone in my life has been suffering from mental illness and I got involved, too involved and it almost cost me my health and job. I'm not going to lie, I was scared to death. This person is significant and all I wanted to do was help. But, I've learned that you cannot reason with mental illness. It doesn't hear you, it doesn't always acknowledge your existence. It's mean and scary and terrible sometimes. But, I have to remember that it's the illness, not the person that I know. I tried with all my might to get this person the help they need but my begging and pleading fell on deaf ears. The denial is so great that I had to step away. I had to put up boundaries because I wasn't eating and I wasn't sleeping and I took a few days off of work and when I was at work, I was doing a sub-par job. Ugh.

Once I decided to step away for my own health, I felt a lot better. I will support this person all I can, only if they ask for it now. That's all I can do.

So, there's that. And, now there's college to worry about. Evan was accepted into two very prestigious institutions. She worked harder than I ever saw anyone work. She was accepted into the theater department at these colleges. It's all she wants to do, theater. And, her dream is New York and these schools are in New York. It's all so very awesome. But, the thing is, I don't know how I'm going to pay for this. We applied for assistance and received some. She got a few scholarships and now we have a fairly large sum we need to come up with to fill the gap. My credit score is not the best because of previous mistakes, so I don't know if I even qualify for a loan.

I will tell you this...I will die...drop dead die to get her to attend her freshman year at a college she loves. She so deserves this experience of a lifetime. I remember my freshman year in college. It was the best time of my life. I even met my eventual husband that year and fell in love, too. She will go. I will find a way. This will happen. Universe hear me now! God, please. Dad, you gotta help me out here.

Speaking of my sunshine, Evan. We had a sort of girl's night on Saturday night. We decided to do an at-home photoshoot because I was feeling gross and I actually need some pictures that show off the cleavage. Don't ask. We were cracking up the whole time. Here's a picture of the makeup process. Contouring, baby.

We moved the plants to one spot and we set up a ring light. We also moved most of the furniture. It was so fun. Evan says she's going to edit these for me. Here are the unedited ones. Sorry if there's too much of me in these photos. Again, I need them.

Ok, I'm done torturing you now.

You know what cool thing happened recently? I met a new friend. Her name is Beatriz and she went with me to the Van Gogh Experience at the Del Mar Fairgrounds. We were trying so hard to be "influencers" and create cool pictures. This is all we got.

By the way, a group of little kids running around the place ruined the experience for me. Who brings their kids to something that mature? I thought it was weird. But, I also thought it was a special media party that we were invited to so we dressed up. We were the only ones. Sweatshirts and Uggs mostly...and strollers. No party.

Ok, one more thing. I was dropping off a package at UPS in Hillcrest the other day when I see some guy hauling a giant bag of dog food on his shoulder. I would recognize this person anywhere! It was Big Ed from 90-Day-Fiance fame! I ran up to him and asked him if he'd be on my podcast. He politely declined because TLC has strict rules about that. He was super nice and we chatted a bit. And, no, he didn't ask me out. I was not looking tip-top that day and I think I'm too old for him!

So, Diary, that's what's been going on. Sorry so long. I've included a link to some of our recent podcasts. One is about mental health and one is all about Jesse Lozano from the Jesse and Tati morning show on Star 94.1. What a great interview. So fun. Tati, you are up next.